When we know someone is grieving, our first reaction is to help, but how can we support someone who has just gone through the worst event of their life? We frequently find ourselves at a loss for words and actions. And because sorrow is such a personal and terrible experience, it can be difficult to 'be there' for someone. While no one can relieve their pain, you can provide caring, considerate, and respectful support.
The most essential thing you can do is show up.
You being present is far more crucial than precise words. A grieving person does not want advice or you to fix things; they simply want to know that they are supported and not alone. You can leave a message, pop by for a coffee, or simply sit with them. Sometimes your presence speaks louder than words.
Talk freely about the deceased.
When someone is mourning, it is critical that their loved one is not forgotten, therefore speak openly about the deceased, tell tales, mention their name, and leave room for memories to be shared. Please do not avoid discussing the deceased for fear of causing pain - Knowing that the deceased's life mattered and hearing their name may offer comfort. Let them know that their loved one will be remembered forever.
Avoid platitudes.
Avoid using phrases like "They are in a better place now" or "At least they had a good life." These can feel hollow and empty, lessening the individual's sorrow. Instead, consider phrases like, "I can't imagine how difficult this is for you," or "I'm here for whatever you need." When I was grieving, one of the sweetest things I heard was "I don't know what to say - I just had to be here for you". The honesty of this statement overcame any uneasiness and made me feel fully at ease with this person.
Be specific while offering support.
Instead of saying "Let me know if you need anything," say "I'd love to bring you dinner on Monday," or perhaps "Can I help you take the kids to school?" Specific offers of assistance can cut through the shroud of grief, making it simpler for the bereaved person to accept support or even determine what help they require.
Continue checking in.
The worst days aren't usually at the start. Around six weeks, people tend to visit or phone less frequently, which can be a lonely time for the grieving. Grief is a long process, so continue to check in and be there for them. Special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays can be especially difficult, so mark these dates in your calendar and let them know you remembered by calling, sending a modest gift, or inviting them to spend time together.
When my 18-month-old daughter died, my eldest sister called me every Sunday night for two years. In the beginning, I feared these calls and scarcely spoke to her, but she kept calling every Sunday night. I quickly discovered how vital these conversations were; even if I didn't want to talk, I knew she was there for me, sending me love. Looking back, I can see how tough it was for her, not knowing if I wanted to chat or not; she was a rock for me when I needed it the most.
Remember that everyone grieves differently.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and everyone has their unique grieving process. Some people may like to converse, but others require alone time. Respect their needs and be patient with their journey; grieving cannot be rushed. Sometimes the weight of grief is too much to bear alone, and urging them to seek professional support might be beneficial.
Conclusion
It can be difficult and uncomfortable to support someone who is grieving, but simply 'being there' and providing regular, sympathetic care can help healing begin. Remember that mourning is not something you "get over," but rather the process of learning to live a new life without the deceased individual.
You do not need to have the precise words; your consistent compassion and presence will mean more than you realise.
Yvonne Ralph
Life Coach | NLP Master Practitioner | Grief Councillor
